After the first week as Avery’s mom and dad we were pretty much in shock. All of a sudden we had all kinds of people calling us to set up “home visits”. The caseworker has to come and see them in your home once a month. The public health nurse sets up monthly visits. The guardian ad litem, the lawyer the court assigns to be the child’s advocate, comes to visit. The volunteer guardian ad litem comes once a month. We had to set up twice weekly visits with birth family, which is coordinated through an agency. In our case it was Catholic Charities.

I must say that I loved both of the girls who came to pick Avery up to take him on his visits! That was a really trying time for me. It was very tough to send him off to see his birth mom and birth family. Here I am just a woman wanting to adopt her own child. A child that would call me mommy and be my son, not someone else’s son. I  guess I just didn’t want to hear about them so they wouldn’t be real people and mess with my dream! Ah, how life steps in and kicks you right in the butt!

Of course the most important thing was to just try and get to know this little boy who didn’t smile very much. You could get almost smiles out of him but, a real smile that lit up his face wasn’t happening! We just wanted him to know how special we thought he was, and how proud we were to have him as our son. We did everything we could think of to let him know that whatever happened to him before was over! We would protect him!

All these pictures were taken the first seven months that he was with us! Not many smiles at all! I have hundreds of pictures of him, and they rarely show him with a smile. We will just have to keep trying!

In this post, I would like to tell you about my son!

   He came to us a very quiet little boy! No, not quiet, silent! He wasn’t talking, grunting, babbling, or anything else. He didn’t cry, smile, laugh, or show much emotion at all. He was just silent. He was 15 months old that day, and just as cute as could be! He was walking and running, although it was that wonderful wobbly walk that they do at that age.  We tried everything to get him to smile or laugh at us! My sister Paula was always taking pictures of him! I mean I must have 500 or so pictures of him that she took in a few months time. You can find maybe 10 of them that he is smiling, or half smiling in! He was always looking around as if to wonder where he was and what was going to happen to him! We just hugged on him and told him we loved him non stop!

Mike and I felt that by taking in a child who was so young we could eliminate all the problems of a child who had lived with their birth parents long enough to pick up a whole lot of baggage. What we didn’t take into consideration was the imprinting that goes on from before a child is born!

When DHS places a child with you, the licensing caseworker tells you as much as he or she knows. They don’t always have all the facts though. In our case, we were told that the birth mother had threatened to drown him in the bathtub. She was living with her mom, Avery’s grandma, at the time. Grandma  was very scared when her daughter said this, and told the home worker who was doing services with the birth mom. This worker told grandma she had to call CPS (child protective services) or she would do it. The worker told grandma it would be better for her to turn her daughter in and take care of Avery herself! Grandma did as the woman suggested to her. She really was scared, and was really trying to get help for her daughter.

Well, things backfired for grandma! They did give her custody at first. When they came out to do the home check they found the house to be dangerous. There was another problem as well. Grandma is not in good health.  CPS then asked them to come up to the caseworker’s office with Avery. They showed up and he was instantly taken away from them. He was placed into an emergency foster home till he came to us.

What does this process do to a baby or child? We all know that even if you have the worst parents in the world you still love them! He also had no idea where he was being taken to, or why. He was only 14 months old, just a baby! He was taken to a place where he didn’t know anyone. I can only imagine how frightening it must have been!

His emergency foster family seems to have been a loving family. From pictures that they sent with him, he seemed happy there. They sent us a list of the foods that he ate for them, what his daily routine was, and other information for us. I was grateful to get this since I didn’t know what he ate, drank, or what his development was.

I do have experience with babies Avery’s age. It is just that it has been many years since I have raised a baby! I felt that I should follow the schedule that the first foster mom sent me. The first day he was with us I figured he wasn’t going to eat much, would be fairly quiet, and we would all just have to get to know each other. So, I wasn’t all that concerned when he refused all food. According to what the schedule said, he ate a blend of toddler and table food. They had sent me sippy cups not bottles, and they sent a lot of toddler food. By toddler food I mean all those melt in your mouth packaged foods. They also sent a six pack of something called Pedia-Sure. Not something that I was familiar with! I bought a gallon of whole cow’s milk, and some apple juice. I was ready to raise my little boy!

One of the first things that happened with him when we got home told us a lot. He went right to the television set and turned it on almost instantly. He seemed to know exactly which button to hit. I found a channel called PBSKids and he proceeded to sit down and watch it with an intensity that just blew my mind! I mean what 16 month sits right in front of a t.v. and watches it silently? Well, our boy did. He had to have it on. He had to have it on whenever he was awake! I am not a real big believer in tv for kids. I don’t mind a certain amount of it but, come on all of the time? We later found out, through birth mom, that he would sleep all day with her, and stay up all night watching tv with her!

That first night was eye opening in many ways! It was just the three of us here in the compartment. We had unpacked all of his stuff, showed him around the house, tried to feed him supper, and now we were ready for bath time! We had a yellow duckie, cool floaty toys, and such wonderful baby smelling bath wash! He totally freaked out when I tried to put him into the tub! He screamed at the top of his lungs. The silence was broken in a really bad way! Horror filled our house instantly. I grabbed him and ran out of the bathroom! I don’t know what happened at his birth mom’s house but, the reaction I got made me think that bath time was not a good experience for him. Nothing about a fear of the bathtub had been in the first foster mom’s informational schedule.

I came up with a plan for his bath. I calmed him down and just washed him up that first night. The next night I put him in the kitchen sink. I didn’t put any water in the sink. I just sat him on his big bath sponge. I would give him the smallest of the nesting cups and turn the water on real low. He would fill them up and pour them out. I would wash him, hair included, with a wash cloth, very little soap, and very little rinsing! I would rinse his hair with the wash cloth. Eventually he let me put some water in the sink! You will notice that he is pretty big to be sitting in the sink! It was ok by me though!

  We did this until he was just to big to sit in the sink. Then we started all over again in the bathtub! Just letting him sit in there with a small amount of water coming out of the faucet. He now loves taking baths! He has tons of toys and his ever loving train stuff for his bath!

Next thing we noticed was that he would try to eat the food I would put to his mouth but, he would start gagging, and just acting like he didn’t want to eat it. It breaks my heart to  think he must have felt he had to eat or who knows what we might have done to him! What he would eat by the handfuls was the toddler snacks. They were puffed wheat, corn, rice, etc. He would eat french toast sticks, no cinnamon, no syrup, no butter please, pork rinds, any kind of junk food you could think of, chips, pretzels, macadamia nuts, and anything hard, mostly tastless, bland foods. Nothing could be wet, or sticky, or to soft….

You get the idea. This kid would not eat! Now I knew why the pedia sure came with his food! The so called food schedule that was given to me was just not acurate!!!!! I was really alarmed at how little this boy ate! All he wanted was the pedia sure! He wouldn’t drink the cow’s milk at all! He would drink the unfiltered, organic, apple juice though! The rest of the time he just ate junk food! Okay, in the trash with the schedule! We will just have to start over with feeding the way we did with baths!

We made it through that first night and wondered how it would be at bedtime! We let him stay up and I held him till he seemed tired. The tv was still on, and we found out that PBSKids is on all of the time! Non stop kids programming! Reality set in that we would have to watch Barney whether we wanted to or not! He finally got tired enough to yawn, and I decided to try and lay him down. I laid him in his crib and kissed him goodnight. He just lay there staring up at the ceiling. I left the room with a nightlight on and Mike and I headed to bed! We were exhausted but, very, very happy! Avery seemed to sleep through the night.

We survived our first day and night as parents! It was eye opening and now we were left wondering what next!

Okay, we are confused! We have our son, we are all done with you guys, now go away! Why do they want to take him to see the person who abused him? The caseworker came by and gave us the paperwork that proves we were the foster parents. He told me that we would be going to court in December over Avery. He told me the “visitation specialist” had called and what was the problem? I told him we had been told that Avery was up for adoption. It surprised the heck out of us when we found out he had visitation! He just said Oh. The next week he left town for the mainland, forever.

Visitation started that Tuesday morning. This woman shows up in a van, late. She doesn’t want me to put the baby in car. She will do it herself. She says they just cry more when the foster parents, or parents, put them in. Okay, that is a load of bull!!!! She thinks I am not going to kiss him goodbye, she is crazy! She puts him in and goes to close the door. I firmly put my hand on it, and leaned into the van and kissed my son goodbye, and told him I would see him in two hours! He was screaming from the moment this woman took him from me. As I leaned into this woman’s van, I could hardly stand the smell! The car seat that she put him in was so filthy it just wasn’t funny!

When she brings him back home, he is dirty and so sweaty. She has food all over the front of her shirt! So, she ate while driving my son! Not very safe if you ask me. He was so glad to see me, and I was so glad to see him. I had spent the entire 2 hours worried sick about him. I couldn’t do anything but worry about how everything was going with his birth family. I was just a wreck the whole time! I was wondering how in the world I was going to be able to do this twice a week!

Luckily, this woman didn’t last! I found out that Avery went from emergency foster care, where he was for 1 month, to another adoption at risk family. They had him for one night and decided that they didn’t want him! Can you believe that? I can’t imagine anyone not wanting him! They were on a different side of the island so, when they placed him with us, his visitation changed to my side of the island. Catholic Charities took over. They sent an angel to us to pick him up! She was wonderful, soft spoken, and Avery loved her! Visits also went from twice a week to once a week! The birth mom said he made her to anxious, and she didn’t want to spend that much time with him. She also cut the one visit a week down to 1 1/2 hours. That was fine by me!

Caseworker number two comes along in October. She is very nice but, has just started working for DHS and is trying to catch up on all her paperwork. She tells me that Avery was placed with us by mistake. That DHS didn’t have custody of him yet! Great, just what I wanted to hear. She said that it was just a protocol thing. That they had no intention of reuniting this boy with his family. That it didn’t look like there was anyone willing to take him as the aunts, uncles, cousins, didn’t want to put up with the drug addict birth father. She said that it looked good for us but, you never know who will come forward in the end. She reminded me that we were adoption at risk! Boy was I feeling the risk part at this time! Hated it. I was crying all the time, yelling at my husband all the time, and just upset. I prayed that God would give him to us. I knew it was entirely in his hands. Cause it sure wasn’t in mine!!!

 In the meantime, in addition to the caseworker, we have had the public health nurse, her students, their teacher, a guardian ad litem, coming to our house once a month. Avery was in the early intervention program. It is an umbrella of services and people to provide them. It is actually an outstanding program. I just didn’t want to be in it. I felt that any problems Avery had, I could handle them myself! The house had to be pristine clean all the time, and I felt like I was always being watched. Everyone was very nice but, it was such a trial. I felt I had to be a super mom, super housekeeper, and super at everything! All I wanted to do was lock the doors, and hide in the house with my baby!

 I was beginning to understand the process now. You have to go back to your training. They told us that all these people would come into our lives as support. They told us that caseworkers change all the time. They told us that we would have many court dates. They told us that the process was slow, slow, slow! They told us all of these things! I just didn’t really hear them though. I was  thinking only of getting my baby into my arms!

We spent a blissful weekend with our new beautiful boy! We didn’t like his name and so we changed it over night, we pretty much decided his entire future that weekend, and we made plans to start his college fund ASAP! On Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 we got together with my sister, her husband, Mike’s cousin, and her co-worker for a BBQ at the ocean. It was my sister’s first time meeting her new nephew! We had a great time showing him off I can tell you. My sister brought him some wonderful gifts that she gave out one by one during the afternoon.

We were feeling just like new parents who had nothing in the world to fear! We were happy, content, full of hope, and really alive for the first time in years! We were mommy and daddy!

Monday, our big happy balloon got a hole in it the size of a crater! I got a phone call Monday morning from the caseworker. He needed to come by and check out our home. He also needed to bring paperwork saying that Avery, (man, look at our oldest son, does he look anything like an Avery?), was our foster son. About an hour later, we got a call from a woman saying that she was in charge of picking Avery up on Tuesdays and Thursdays for his visits with his birth family.

I was stunned! I asked her why in the heck she was picking him up? He had been placed with us for adoption! I was pissed off, upset, scared, you name it, I wanted to take this woman and beat the crap out of her! She was very patient yet persistent, and just said that she would have the caseworker call me about it but, she needed to arrange with me to pick him up tomorrow! I agreed on a time, and hung up the phone and just crumbled onto the couch.

Even though I have always understood what Adoption at Risk meant, I never really considered that until the judge took the parental rights away they had every right to see their child! That’s what hit me like a sledge hammer between the eyeballs. It was their child! Not mine. Once more I was going to have to send a child back to their mom and dad!

January 2005 found us happy and ready to be parents! We jumped everytime the phone would ring. We had our list of questions to ask about a child they wanted to place with us. We had a crib up with cute sheets and comforter. We had little stuffed animals ready for our new daughter. All we needed was the new daughter!

January turned into February, March, okay, I am the least patient person in the world, April, May, June, you get the picture. We were going to the mainland in June to visit family so, that took the wait off of our minds! We just couldn’t believe that they hadn’t called us yet. So, we went off to the mainland and had a great vacation with both of our families. Our niece had talked us into letting her go back home for the summer by herself. She was going to live with her older sister during that time. She promised us she would come back at the end of July and finish her high school education.

Well, of course she got back to her family’s home and wanted to stay! It was her family after all. Her brother, sister, and all her cousins were there. Not to mention her mom showing up once in awhile! There was also the fact that no one would tell her how to act! She could pretty much do what ever she wanted to. At our house there were rules that she had to live by, and didn’t want to. Like, no smoking (anything), no drinking, etc. There was nothing we could do about it. We felt it was a mistake but, she was 17 and just didn’t want to be so far away from her family. Although she did come back, it was in protest. She just made sure she acted up so much that we had to let her go back! She would have found a way and I didn’t want her finding a bad way back home. So, at the beginning of September, 2005, she went back to her home.

I waited about 2 weeks, it took me that long to clean that girl’s room out, boy what a pig! I called my licensing caseworker and told her that there were no longer any kids living in the house, and that we could take a child of any sex. I also asked if we could have our license changed to take in 2 children. She said yes, that would be no problem.

That done, we next had to concentrate on my husband’s cousin’s wife coming to town. When you live in Hawaii you are in charge of being the tour guide for all family coming over here! Oh, and some friends as well. Debbie was coming in from Arkansas with a co-worker. We picked them up at the airport on Thursday, Sept. 15, 2005 and took them in Waikiki to their hotel. We told them we would pick them up the next morning for a tour of the island of Oahu. We told them it would take all day.

We also had my sister Paula, and her husband Scott over here. They were actually here for 6 months! Back to the cousin though. We got up on Friday, Sept. 16, 2005 and headed out to pick up Debbie and her friend and show them the island. We actually live almost in Waikiki so it was minutes to pick them up. We headed out and were driving around Diamond Head  showing them the beautiful ocean view from there when the cell phone rang.

This was like 9:00 in the morning. It was Mike’s cell phone so I assumed it was just work calling. He had taken a vacation day off work to do the tour. Well, it wasn’t work! I hear Mike tell the caller, “yes, of course we will take him. Can you talk to my wife, I am driving.” He hands me the phone and let me tell you my heart was pounding so bad I could hardly stand it. Our licensing caseworker told me she wanted to place a 15 month old Japanese boy with us. He had been in emergency foster care for the past month. He was abused by his birth mother, and was drug exposed. We had to take him now though. Otherwise they would call the next person on the list!

I asked if we had time to go and buy him a car seat and some diapers! She said yes and that the assistant would meet us in our parking lot to give us the baby! So, with cousin and friend in the back seat, we made an illegal u-turn and headed for Wal-Mart! We raced over there and bought what we needed, then headed as fast as we could for our building’s parking lot.

We just managed to beat the social worker there. She pulled up in a big white van, got out, and started pulling all of his stuff from the back of the van. His birth family had sent clothes, toys, and a special blanket of his. I was upset because this woman just left the baby in the car. So, me being me, I marched over to the back seat, opened up the door, and proceeded to take him out of her van! He was asleep but woke up as I took him out of the seat. One thing I noticed right away, he looked like a Hawaiian child, not  Japanese. We later found out he is Hawaiian, Filipino, Japanese, and Portugese. We were told his name was Avery Yukio. Okay, I just didn’t like his name the minute I heard it.

Anyway, he just put his little arms around my neck and held on as tight as he could. Well, all I can tell you is that it was love at first site! I held on to him as fiercely as he held me. I felt a total surge of anger at everyone who had hurt this child!

Even the caseworker for leaving him in the van! Every protective instinct in my body came out in one second! I was going to protect this little boy with my life!

So, what did we do after receiving our child? We loaded him up in the car and took our company on their tour of the island! He was a very quiet little fellow, and just looked around at everything! He didn’t utter any sounds whatsoever! He was an angel child on that ride! Looking back I think he was probably very confused and probably scared! His Auntie Debbie bought him a candy bar and proceeded to feed it to him. He had no clue what to make of that. I don’t think he had ever had one before! It wouldn’t have been my first choice of food but, what the heck!

Mike and I walked around the whole day like two idiots with smiles plastered all over our faces! We finished the tour and dropped the girls off at their hotel. We then headed home as fast as we could. I wanted to count all his toes and fingers, and begin my life as his mommy!

Okay, this was really big! I wasn’t speechless for very long though! Just isn’t my style. I would have to describe myself as blunt spoken, outspokesn, and very opinionated but, rarely speechless! I asked Mike if he was serious, and when he wanted to start. 

Everything else went out of my head instantly! It was completly filled with thoughts of babies of my own! I was ready for one to be placed in my arms at that moment. Didn’t think of anything else except, he said it, let’s do it! Mike said he had been thinking about it, praying about it, and he was ready to apply now. Okay, here we go! I didn’t need any other direction. We were going for it, done deal! Another thing about me, I am a  let’s go, let’s go, let’s go kind of person! When my mind is made up on something there is no stopping me going for it full speed ahead.

So, how do you adopt? I had no idea how to go about it. I got up the next morning and opened up the telephone book to the government pages. The Most Frequent Numbers had a listing simply titled adoption. I called the number and got a message machine. I left my number and sat back shaking after actually starting the process. I mean here I am at 46 trying to adopt a baby! I have to tell you that my body was telling me are you crazy??? I have itis, arthritis and bersitis, and all the regular 45 something year old aches and pains!

I got a phone call back the next day from the state telling me that they would send an information packet and application. Each state has their own requirements but I think it is probably similar to ours. Once we got the packet we started filling out the paperwork. It was pretty standard stuff. They want to make sure that they are placing a child in a good home. So, they ask all kinds of questions. They also ask for letters of recommendations from people that you know. We were lucky to have letters from our Pastor and a church friend! There are many people that you can use though! Work friends, friends from the gym, etc.

They also tell you what the requirements are to become certified to be a foster parent. Yep, that’s right, we have to become foster parents in order to adopt. How do you become a foster parent though? Well, turns out it really isn’t hard at all! Each state has a training course you have to go through, medical examination, an FBI background check, possible drug testing, a Home Study, and other requirements depending on your state, and finally a visit from the Department of Human Services licensing division.

Training was really common sense stuff. We went for 2 weeks a few hours at a time. We had to complete a certain course of study about families, children with problems, discipline, all kinds of situations. You are able to hear questions and answers that we all have about taking in a child that is a stranger. You have to do homework, at least in Hawaii, and turn in assignments to complete your training. All in all, it was a good experience with caring people.

Next you had to race to get an appointment with the FBI and show the trainers that you had the appointment set up. You did this so they would make an appointment with you to come to your house and do the home study. This part of the certification process is very, very important and should be taken very seriously. We both had to be there for the whole thing!  We were told it would take at least two hours!

So, we raced down to get finger printed! Seems that Mike’s fingerprints had been pretty well erased over the years from roofing! We wondered if this would be a problem or not. It wasn’t! We got one of the first appointments from our class and I went home to clean the crap out of a 750 square foot compartment! That little apartment has never been so clean! We child proofed everything in site. We child proofed every door, window, drawer, toilet, and anything else we could slap something on! They were actually more interested in talking to us though they did inspect the house. Just didn’t have to be so gung ho! Oh well, the house needed a good cleaning anyway.

The home study was very long and detailed. They asked us so many questions about anything and everything you can think of! At the end of the question section, we had to decide what we wanted to do as far as adoption versus fostering, what age we wanted the child to be, what race we were willing to take, and just all kinds of little things you don’t really think about. Hey, we just wanted a baby!

We had to take a girl because my niece was still living with us. We decided that we didn’t care what race the child was but, we wanted to adopt a baby. So, our age requirements were a child that was birth to 18 months. We decided to do something called adoption at risk instead of just signing up for adoption. What this meant was that we would have a child placed with us that DHS thought would end up in adoption. However, they were still trying to reunify the baby with the birth family! It is called concurrent planning!

It is a really emotional way to go though, I mean the worst kind of roller coaster ride! We have a lot of friends who are fostering to adopt though. Every one of them told us that if you just signed up to adopt, you wouldn’t have a baby placed with you for years, if at all. The fastest way to have a child placed with you is through being a foster parent. Then if the child ends up going to adoption you are first in line to adopt it. These kids are placed with you temporarily though. The whole time you are fostering them, the state, with your help, is trying to send them back home! You do take the child in without feeling you are going to keep that child though. I guess that could make it easier on your nerves.

We decided that we would take what we felt to be the middle ground. We would do adoption at risk and hope that it would all work out in our favor!

So, after two short months, in January of 2005, we were certified to take in one little girl. Remember, it had to be a girl because my niece was still living with us. The state has regulations on space for each child, and were they have to sleep. A baby can be in the parents bedroom for the first year. After that they have to be in their own room with their own bed. We set up the master bedroom for “the girls”, Mike and I took the smaller bedroom!

Okay world, we are ready for our baby, bring her on…

What happens after pretty much your whole life gets squished like a bug? I don’t know about the rest of you but I drank! Like a fish. I would make it through the day till about 1:00. Then I would walk across to my handy convenience store and buy a case of beer. I would drink a 12 pack before Mike got home at night from work! Then we would share the rest, with me usually stealing a couple of his! I worked a couple of crappy jobs in that time, and just didn’t have the ambition to do very much of anything else!

In the meantime, I had family members move in for awhile. We rented a huge place for us all and I tried not to drink so much! I tried to act like life was OK and we would make it through it, that this was just a rough patch. Problem was that I had no direction. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. My self esteem was so low that I didn’t really think that I was good for anything.

 After 8 months of this, my family moved back to the mainland and left us kind of (Okay, totally) holding the bag with this huge house. Our landlady was really nice though. We did repairs for her on the house and took care of things she had wanted to do for some time. So, we parted on great terms and moved back into Waikiki. We found an apartment in the same building we had moved from, and life went back to what it had been. We were both drinking and partying pretty heavily. We would make it through the night and pretty much fall into bed to drunk to worry about anything else in life!

Then a couple of things changed for us. One was a job I took with a little old lady who lived in the building in front of ours. Her name was Ruth, and I credit her with probably saving my life! She needed someone to come in and help her with meals and light housework. It started out just 3 days a week. She was a very conservative christian woman who had moved to Hawaii from Pennsylvania. Just being around her, and listening to her world view, helped me to understand that I had to decide how I was going to live and for what purpose. She brought me back to my christian roots and made me want to be a better person than I was at that moment in time. She sensed that I was going through something but, never asked me. I never could really talk about how I felt losing those babies. To this day, I don’t say all that much about it when asked. Luckily, people don’t ask any more.

Anyway, I worked for Ruth about a year. In that time we became very close. Her health continued to decline, and when I asked her what she wanted to do she just said she wanted to go home. I was going over to her apartment everyday by this time. Boy, was it taking a toll on me. My back, hips, and shoulders were tore up all the time! Ruth was a pretty good sized girl! She couldn’t move very well either, and I had to lift her around. I had to charge her for my time as well. She understood that, and we continued on with me trying to find some help. Finally, I found some volunteers to come in on Sundays. That helped a lot! Then the  state came to her house to assess her. She was thinking of going into a nursing home by this time. Luckily, the daughter was in town for this assessment. Ruth told the nurse that she only wanted to go home. The daughter took her back home.

Mike and I, in the meantime, bought a condo just outside of Waikiki. I actually call it a compartment! 750 square feet including the lanai (balcony)! It is a nice little two bedroom, two bath, and two parking stalls! The extra parking stall clinched the deal! Finding parking on this side of the island is a drag! We settled in and enjoying our new home. This was the first place we have ever bought!

We fixed it up as a place that was definitely for adults. We had one bedroom, and the other bedroom was a tv room. The cats thought it was all theirs. I think that it is the happiest we had been in about 4 years. The following January (2002), we got a phone call asking us to take in Mike’s 14, (almost 15) year old nephew. It seemed meant to be because my job had ended. Also, I should point out that it has never been unusual for us to take in nieces and nephews for what ever reason. We have had a hand in raising a lot of kids.

So, we decided to embrace this and see what we could do to help this kid. We started changing the place around to include a teenager. We also decided to just quit drinking cold turkey. Went back to church and really got involved with it. By the time our nephew got here our lives had done a total 360! We were “normal” people.

When my nephew got here it was obvious that things with him were not quite right. At 14 his reading and writing were very childlike, and his reading skills were not to good. He was a freshman in high school special ed but, it was obvious he was being socially promoted!

We headed to the doctor and he was sent on to the psychologist after that to try and figure out what was wrong with him. In the end, a woman in the homeschool group we had joined, asked me some interesting questions. She also gave me a book to read. I read it and headed back to the doctors. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Something I had barely heard of before, but which was so obvious once you knew what to look for. The doctors agreed that it was probably that. I think they were reluctant to say it for sure because they only had my word on how much the mom drank while pregnant with him. The psychologist and I decided to take him off of the depacote he had been on. It just didn’t seem to be the right medication for him. 

He did take ritalin once a day to help with learning time. This was his decision as he just could not sit still if he didn’t take it. He would sit and try to look at his work and just could not focus on it! It would get to where he was so frustrated that he would throw everything away from himself and all but scream. Ritalin was good for 4 hours after he took it. That gave me just enough time to teach him in English and Math.

By the time that he went back to his home state, he could read, write, do fractions, and hold down a job. I feel like homeschooling him was the only way to go. He could do everything at his own pace and not feel like he was a “special ed” kid.

His sister came to live with us 4 months after he did. She brought the sunshine with her!  She is a very smart girl with a lot of ambition! She loves to sing, dance, act, and just play. She was with us till she was 17. Just a couple of years they each stayed with us. She brought a whole lot of laughter and fun to our house. She didn’t go home till about a year after her brother. 

We treated these two as if they were our very own! We enjoyed them both so much and still miss them! They just brought to our home exactly what we always wanted, children! It just seemed so natural. I had no desire to drink or do anything but be a great mom! Life was wonderful. Then our nephew decided he was ready to go back home.  He has always wanted to come back here though. We have told them all that once they become adults, they have to pay their own way back here! That will let you know if they are serious or not!

It was the end of 2004 and Mike came home one night from work just like everynight! Only one difference though. He looked at me and said, I am ready to adopt! I just looked at him and for once in my life was totally speechless!

Aloha and welcome to you. I am Kim, the hot flash part in babies and hot flashes! I have to pretty much start at the beginning of our story to let you know who we are and who the babies are! So, this first post is going to be a little long! I promise they won’t all be this way though. Not with two screaming kids around.

Mike and I always wanted to have kids. I should say that I have wanted to have a whole bunch of kids since I was about 8 years old. I had names picked out for at least 20 kids. I was always babysitting and grabbing people’s babies right out of their arms. I could have walked around holding a baby forever! It never seemed to change either. All the way through high school my only real dream was to get married and have kids. This was the only career I could see myself in. I know, not much of a woman’s libber was I!

I went to work right after high school and didn’t marry till I was 25. Mike is a wonderful man who is so patient! Good thing! I told him that I had never been on the pill, yet had never gotten pregnant and thought there might be a problem. I was very up front with him about this. He, of course, said it didn’t matter if we had kids or not! During the next 10 years we tried to have our own kids. First we just kept trying on our own. When I hit 32 or 33 we got insurance! A must if you are having problems conceiving! I found a really good OB/GYN and the real trying started. She found that one of my tubes was severely damaged. There is no known reason for it. Could have been an infection or, who knew what. So, first surgery was to try and clear the tube. The other tube was called a hydrosalphinx, say that 5 times fast! All it meant was that the tube was closed off at the top and the bottom of it. The tube was filled with fluid that my wonderful doctor refered to as “gutter water”.

After that first surgery, I had to do a fertility drug. I think that was to take my mind off the tubes till I healed up. Of course, the surgery didn’t help anything. They ran really crazy tests on us, and had us do things I won’t go into! Oh so romantic!!! After that and other weirdness, at the age of 36, Mike and I headed into the really crazy world of invitro fertilization! It is a roller coaster ride through hell! We did everything that they asked of us. At my age, They managed to get 9 eggs. 5 were fertilized and they decided to put all of them back into me. They told us we had more of a chance of never becomming pregnant than having a multiple birth. So, of course I got pregnant with 3!

We were so excited and happy. Mike walked around beaming like he had done something fantastic! We won’t tell him any different will we! I was just scared that something would go wrong, and it did! I started getting really bad pains within 2 weeks. The clinic we were going through just kept doing blood tests. They put me on complete bed rest and said everything was OK. The doctor that was assigned to me was old enough to scare the heck out of me. I had no confidence in him whatsoever. I would call and tell them that something was wrong, he would have me come in and do a vaginal ultra sound, blood work, and send me right back home telling me nothing was wrong. At 12 weeks I wanted to die. I was swollen and looked like I was 8 months pregnant. I was in agony. It felt like my body was ripping apart. I begged God to take me! I called the clinic one more time and told them that I was dying! I had to go up there and do the routine once more. Mike took me this time. I wanted him to hear this doctor tell me one more time there was nothing wrong with me. Not only did he say nothing was wrong, he said I wasn’t even pregnant. I told my husband to get this man away from me!

I screamed at anyone who could hear me that I was going to my doctor and they were all crazy! The nurse tried to calm me down and the girl who took my blood said she thought I should get to my own doctor. I got home in time to answer the phone. A different doctor from the clinic said they had contacted my regular doctor and they were expecting me. I hung up on him!

Then Kaiser, my HMO, called my house. They were like a wonderful, warm, family coming at me and surrounding me. They told me to head to the emergency room right away. They were waiting for me at the door of the hospital. They did something that the quack doctor had never once did. They did an abdominal ultra sound that clearly showed my little baby. Unforturnately it hadn’t survived. The other two had gone up that useless tube that was supposedly clogged up. They took the placenta with them. My doctor would later tell me that who knew they needed to make me infertile in order for me to have my own kids! Had she removed the tubes to begin with, the gutter water wouldn’t have leaked out of my tube and poisoned the babies, causing them to try to flee the water up my other tube! Story of my life! So, I lost my babies, my tubes, and my will to do much of anything! I had gone so long with the ectopic pregnancy, 12 weeks, that I had ruptured the tube and was full of blood!

I was 36 going on 37 by this time, and I felt like time had run out on me. Mike was wonderful through all of this. He supported me, got me home, got me healed up, and told me we could try it again. I joined all kinds of invitro groups online and met a lot of wonderful people. We started trying to save up the money for another attempt! We would have no insurance this time. The procedure was around $15,000 and we put down $1,000 on it. Then Mike’s dad died. We had to spend our money on helping to bury him!

It looked like it just wasn’t going to happen for us. We just weren’t meant to be parents. I heard it all from everyone. All things happen for a reason. Maybe this is for the best. Blah, blah, blah…..   Didn’t they know this was my dream. This was the only thing I ever wanted to do in my life? It was all taken from me in the blink of an eye. Okay, depression sunk in at this point. To make it worse, Mike was really depressed over his dad. They were so close, and he missed him so badly! Life at our house just stunk! I will close this one on that wonderful note!